Your thoughts here are really well-balanced and compassionate, I'm sorry you had to go through that with your mother.

I've read many comments from estranged parents here on Medium and I completely agree with your analysis - I often get the impression that the estranged parents are leaving out crucial information and are generally not very self-aware. I'm sure there are exceptions, but when the bulk of accounts from estranged parents are 'What did I do? I did nothing wrong,' then I can't help but think they are likely the issue, not the adult children. Very few people cut their parents off without good reason.

My own parents are very emotionally immature and there was a lot of emotional neglect and some physical abuse in my childhood. My mother has untreated mental health issues (depression and suicidal ideation) and my father has anger-management issues. Neither of them seem to understand why their relatonships with their adult children are very fraught. It's taken me many years of self-improvement through therapy and study to get to a place of forgiveness for them, which I'm grateful for. I forgave them for my own benefit, not theirs.