Thanks for writing about this. I'm sorry that you're separated from your younger daughter, that must be really hard. I share custody of my son half the week and I miss him terribly sometimes.

I'm going to have a rant - something I'm struggling with right now is that healing from one thing often brings up more trauma buried underneath. It's like a never-ending river of shit to slowly (over a lifetime!) work through, without knowing how far deep the shit goes but just having to plough through it with a big grin on your face all the fucking time, practicing gratitude because what's the alternative? I'm feeling so done with this joke of an existence, this weird society that doesn't work for anybody, where we're all disconnected from each other and everyone is dealing with their own shit so no-one has the time or inclination to help others.

This weird joke of a life tends towards alienation, boredom and despair, and trying to push against the tide to form deep, meaningful connections with other people is so fucking exhausting. I feel sick of life. Humans are not meant to live this way, we're supposed to be in tribes, connected to each other. I feel like psychopaths run the world and it's more beneficial to lie and cheat than be good and honest.

This recent despair I'm feeling follows a very healing experience of neurofeedback treatments I've started recently. The treatment is honestly life changing for me, I feel much more calm and mentally regulated. But with this newfound peace and clarity, I'm more aware of the work I still need to do and I'm grieving the life I could have had if I'd been more regulated in my life. All the opportunities for good friends, supportive partners, suitable careers, a stable family that have passed me by for 20 years of my adult life because I was so fucked up for so long and didn't even realise it until my son was born 8 years ago! I feel like there is still so much ground to cover to heal myself. I'm so tired.

I wish those of us with childhood PTSD and mental health issues could be helped by people around us (and in turn help others) much more than actually happens, but of course this joke of a life tends towards everyone being squeezed most of time, so of course no-one has time or energy for anyone else. It fucking sucks.