Thanks for sharing, I relate so much to this. I was late diagnosed with ADHD this year (I’m likely autistic too but no formal diagnosis). After many years of therapy, I classify my childhood as “crappy”! Sure there were some good aspects, but overall, my needs were not met, I was deeply anxious/angry and I definitely have C-PTSD from some of my childhood experiences.

My parents were mostly responsible for my crappy childhood (I’m pointing a finger at a few bad teachers in primary school too). Something I struggled with for a long time was the contradiction between my parents’ good qualities and their bad qualities – when they were good, they could be very good. But when they were bad, they were very bad. How is it possible for a person to harbour such extremes of uplifting vs destructive behaviours and attitudes? I don’t know the answer but it’s fascinating and horrifying to consider. I feel closer to acceptance of this weird dichotomy in my parents, but still working on it.

I feel that my parents taught me a valuable lesson, that a person can be both very good and very bad, and that ultimately, humans are potentially complex beings. Maybe this seems obvious, but it’s a complete head-fuck when you actually experience a person like this – more so when the person is your parent and foundational to your own development. It sounds like your dad had these glaring contradictions – he was perhaps a great teacher but definitely a terrible father.