Sorry to hear you're struggling, hope things get better for you. You're a strong person to reach out to others for support and advice, I've always had difficulty reaching out to others. I had a crappy childhood, lots of emotional neglect, it took me years to realise that it was a lack of love that fucked me up for so many years. I had therapy and stopped drinking in 2019, it helped a lot (I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain).

Your writing style needs refinement but I know you'll get better and better, you've already taken the first step. The writers on Medium are kind and helpful (like Graham in the comments here), they can help you improve. I look forward to reading more from you!