So much of your writing resonates with me, thank you for sharing. I know fear and chaos from my childhood too. I can’t remember a single time my mother ever held me. She did sometimes kiss me in a flurry of devotion, but never held me (that I can remember). She’s suffered from depression for long time (since before I was born). I hug my son every day at least once. My mother and father are both frightening to me, it’s the dominant feeling I have towards them. My older brother is my source of parental love, I’m lucky to have him.

During therapy sessions, I’ve come to understand that I have different sides or personalities that take over, depending on the situation or memory. One persistent and useful side of me is an analytical part that can examine the most painful memories without feeling the emotions related to them. It’s a method I have of being able to control my inner turmoil. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. Another side of me is a protector, I think that’s my brother’s influence.

As a result of therapy, I often find it a relief when I eventually feel the strong despair and rejection from childhood experiences still locked inside me, and the release of those feelings. It’s funny, I’m crying a little now writing all this — it’s a good thing!