In the past, when these issues were still hidden in my subconscious, I kept choosing relationships where I loved and hated the woman, I'd swing between ideation and devaluation frequently, which is how I feel about my mother. I picked partners who displayed the chaotic and/or distant qualities of my mother, I picked people who often let me down, with disastrous results.

I have a weird issue that once I have sex with a woman, I'm instantly and permanently emotionally bonded to her, even if the person is not a good fit for me and I am not a good fit for her. I think this is related to a foundational need to be held, cherished and 'merge' into the woman/mother like a baby/toddler would do. Once I have sex with a woman, I feel extremely grateful and want to 'reward' her with my complete commitment, even if this is unwise for both of us.

I have had three long-term relationships in my life so far, every single one played out similarly until I got therapy and was aware of the underlying issues. I'm currently single so hoping I don't make the same mistakes again - being aware is half the battle.