If he wants readers to critique his work and offer advice on how to re-write specific parts of his piece (which you did) in the public comments section, I'm sure he'll ask. If you're so concerned with improving another person's writing, sending a private message would be a better way to do that. Instead, you appear to relish tearing another's work down with your concern trolling.

The Neil Gaiman quote I added agrees with some of your advice, and disagrees with another part of it (where you recommend specific changes). I find it hilarious that you can dish out criticism but not take it.