God your childhood sounds rough, sorry you went through that. I had a shitty childhood too, with dysfunctional parents doing crazy shit. I had therapy a few years ago, it was really helpful and I recommend it if you haven't already.

Before therapy, I used to kid myself that my childhood 'wasn't that bad, my parents were doing their best' etc etc, but I was just terrified of facing up to the neglect and abuse I'd experienced all those years. It's hard facing up this these things, you're doing a grand job writing about this stuff, thank you.